Do not go gentle into that good night

 yes... this post begins with a poem...  just read it okay?  

trust me it is pertinent

it's not one of my goofy poems...  it's actually good

Do not go gentle into that good night,

Old age should burn and rave at close of day;

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,

Because their words had forked no lightning they

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright

Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,

And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight

Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,

Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

by Dylan Thomas

I love this poem…

And try to apply it..

But lately I have been struggling…

Turning 45

Kids growing up… graduating..  and leaving home

Nagging injury including a knee that may one day spell the end of my running days

I mean I have been training… but the intensity is not there… the desire and focus to do something great is fleeting at best…

yaknowwhatImean?

Been feeling a bit like Austin Powers when he lost his mojo…

I'm not sure if you know this but Dylan Thomas (I call him DT because we're boys like that…)  Wrote this poem to/about his father.  His dad was a former Badassmofo soldier…  but he was growing older and ill…

My boy DT wanted his dad to fight…  get well… and his dad was, quite literally, sick and tired.

Until recently I've always read this poem from DT's POV…  when I read this poem a few weeks ago  trying desperately to find my mojo I was quite surprised to find that my  "frail deeds might have danced in a green bay" .  I began to see things as DT's dad might in a "been there done that and got the finisher's t-shirt to boot" kind if way…   Having experienced victory and defeat many times the glory of the former nor the pain of the latter  did much to motivate him.

I am a former soldier, although not a battle weary one… I have been doing endurance sports for 20 years… I've done Ironman…  a 3:3X marathon…  a 1:3X half…  RATS… a 5:0X half Ironman…  and the last 4 of those all since I turned 40..  I had a string of PRs in 2009-2010 in almost all distances and disciplines but…  age and health…  and all right dammit…  all right… COMFORT has begun to set in…  it's much easier to rage when you think it is your time …  or that you haven't ever reached your potential…  and you are angry at yourself for not trying…  or trying harder…

But no…  my affliction is one that can prove to be the hardest to overcome….  I am happy…  and many days leaning to content

And I'm sure that most of you know…  raging our kind of raging does not happen on a couch…  or reading the paper in bed on Sunday morning with a kitty cat on our lap…  it's hard work…  day in and day out…   it's diet…  it's the sacrifice of *not* doing what comes easy.

So that's where I have been for months…  no clear goal that gets me out of bed every morning at 0415…  or makes me turn away from that last brownie… oh, I have been training…  out of rote…. Out of habit (a good one) and because I like doing it…

I devised my 100 days of cycling…  today is day 53 and while I have missed a few days I am well above 53 rides due to the fact that I have ridded 2x on many of these 53 days.  There has however, been no focus…  no burning… a decided lack of rage

But today, finally I feel different…  I feel a spark of rage…  it started with my run today at lunch I decided that I was going to just run by feel a 9:30ish pace w/o ever consulting my watch and just enjoy running as if it were my last run. 

Three miles in George Jones sang "I don't need your Rocking chair"  and I sang along…  and picked up the pace…  and said hellyeah tell 'em George!

and then during my last mile…  running smoothly…  breathing easily I heard

Till the roof comes off, till the lights go out

Till my legs give out, can't shut my mouth.

Till the smoke clears out and my high wear out

I'ma rip this shit till my bone collapse.

and thus…  begins my new credo…  my rage is back…  I used to have this mindset that I was virtually indestructible and while that sounds reckless and irresponsible…  I also think that many of us we never get close to doing all that we can do.

I have this quote on the wall next to my desk"

"If you would attain to what you are not yet, you must always be displeased by what you are. For where you are pleased with yourself there you have remained. Keep adding, keep walking, keep advancing." Saint Augustine

PRs…  better watch the f_ck out…  and really PRs be dammed that's not what it's about anyway…  I like the suffering…  the attempting of what even daring to think of scares us the rewards it brings…  success or failure... We are not indestructible…  but we are capable of achieving so much more than we think possible

Keep adding, keep walking, keep advancing

and

Rage, rage against the dying of the light